So recently, Montgomery County Community College out in Blue Bell, PA offered me a part time teaching gig in their English department. Needless to say, I’m incredibly excited. I’ve always wanted to be a college professor. A careful blend of Indiana Jones meets Mr. Turner from Boy Meets World.

My first class is tonight and I’m psyched. All my friends have been asking me, just how will I demand respect my first day in the classroom? Simply. I’ll karate chop a 2×4 before class starts.

As the students sit in their seats, chatting excitably to one another about their vacation, summer loves, the upcoming semester, and the like, I will quietly walk into the classroom holding a 2×4. The students will look over, puzzled, at what their soon-to-be-professor is doing. Placing the wooden plank between two desks, I will then karate chop the hell out of it. As the splinters fall onto the cold linolium floor I will sit down calmly, and begin my lecture…. or not.

Here’s hoping they like me!